Note: One of the unexpected and pleasant surprises of blogging has been the opportunity to meet many online friends in the blogging community. Shortly after we created Easin’ Along, I came across Retirement Reflections, an award-winning blog created by Donna Connolly who lives in Vancouver Island, Canada. I contacted Donna to tell her how much I enjoyed her thoughts on retirement among other subjects, and we have maintained an online relationship since that time. I am taking a break this week for hip replacement surgery and I asked Donna if she would treat Easin’ Along readers to one of her thoughtful and well-reasoned posts as a guest blogger. She was kind enough to send me the article below and I’m certain you will enjoy reading it as much as I did. Have a great week!
My husband and I took a mid-week, overnight trip, about a two-hour drive away from our home. It was a last minute decision to explore another part of Vancouver Island. We had a great two days away and really enjoyed ourselves. During the drive home, my husband mentioned that he just couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt in being able to simply drive off into the sunshine…on a weekday. He felt there was something else that he should be doing (reality check: there really wasn’t).
Good old guilt! It can become so ingrained in us that it continues to whisper “you should, you should, you should” or “you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t” even when those messages are not pertinent.
I began to think about guilt and how it has manifested itself in my own life over different periods of time. What is “retirement guilt” and just how big of a phenomenon is it? I Googled the words and found pages and pages (and pages) of entries. This potential aspect of retirement was definitely not mentioned in the glossy Freedom 55 brochures!
Guilt can be defined simply as: “A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime or wrongdoing, …whether real or imagined” (http://dictionary.reference.com) Or as one definition, offered by the Urban Dictionary states, “An unfortunate side effect that results from being overly exposed to morality” (http://www.urbandictionary.com)…definitely an interesting point of view!
With real or imagined wrongdoings ranging from: shirking responsibilities, not doing something meaningful, leaving the workforce too early, not earning a paycheck, spending too much money, not measuring up, missing something, saying ‘no’ (when others believe you now have all of the time in the world to say ‘yes’)…a retiree could totally drive him/herself insane.
But is guilt also a gift? In the right dosages, does it help propel us forward, get unsexy tasks done, reflect more deeply, get off of the couch and be better people? Without guilt would our houses be messier, our emails unanswered, our checkbooks unbalanced, our dogs all have much shorter walks and would we simply eat all of the Boston Cream donuts that we desire?
Being no stranger to guilt, I am surprised that I haven’t yet been overcome by guilt since retiring (really, it’s so unlike me). Perhaps it is my retirement honeymoon phase, and a tsunami wave of guilt is lurking around the corner waiting to catch me unaware.
I believe, at least partly, that yoga has been a contributing factor to easing initial retirement guilt for me. I can hear the many mantras of my yoga teachers now:
- Practice mindfulness
- Put yourself in the present moment
- Leave the past behind
- Practice non-judgment
- …And….don’t forget to breathe!
Certainly, there are more detailed, complex strategies in which to deal with guilt, but the above seems like a good start and not a bad list to live by.
Thinking back to Richard at the steering wheel, I wonder if the guilt that he was feeling, wasn’t actually gratitude. As retirement is a privilege denied to so many, humbly accepting the gift of retirement can be surprisingly overwhelming.
It is the above mindset of turning guilt into gratitude that was my biggest takeaway in reading through the pages of Google entries on retirement guilt. Other frequently mentioned suggestions (all heavily paraphrased or ad-libbed below) include:
- Acknowledge your shoulds–check them against reality–then let them pass
- Know your fears and deal with them head-on (e.g. if money is a big fear zone, set and regularly review a realistic budget, track expenses and make adjustments where necessary)
- Take stock of what you can control and what you can’t
- Readjust your expectations
- Practice forgiveness (of yourself and others)
- Make amends (again with yourself and others)…and move on!
Got guilt? What are your strategies for letting go?
About Donna: Donna lived in Beijing, China for fourteen years. Leaving international life behind, she and her husband retired to Vancouver Island, Canada, in June 2015. To document this transition, Donna initiated ‘Retirement Reflections.’ Her favorite part of blogging is the interaction with others. You will enjoy visiting with her at www.retirementfreflections.com.
Thanks to Donna from Easin’ Along.
Thanks for sharing this blog. It’s always fun finding talented and entertaining bloggers. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Hi, Ingrid,
I’m on the mend and eagerly looking forward to being in your part of the country next spring. The itinerary is almost finalized and I hope that our paths will cross at some point. Let’s stay in touch.
Hi, Ingrid – It is a pleasure to meet you here. Thank you for stopping by and reading and commenting. It is greatly appreciated!
Great post! I’ve focused on eliminating ‘should’s’ for many years now. I preach it to friends, I even try to pass the attitude on to my children. As for guilt — being raised in an Irish Catholic family, I feel guilt runs in my veins but in eliminating ‘should’ I’ve let go of the guilt. Of course, not always perfectly — thanks for the reminders of how to not wallow.
Hi, Janet Mary,
Eliminating “should’s” can be a task, but congratulations to you for doing so over a long period. Thanks for stopping by.
Hi, Janet – I greatly appreciate you dropping by. Passing on to your children the attitude of eliminating shoulds is a wonderful gift! Thank you for sharing that we CAN let guilt go…even if it runs in our veins!
Speedy recovery from your hip replacement!
Thanks, Cindi,
Came home from the hospital yesterday. Everything went well, but I am still a bit loopy from the pain meds. Hope to be out and about soon. Glad you stopped by.
Hi, Joe – I join Cindi in wishing you a speedy recovery. Hope that you are feeling better soon!
Thanks Cindi for stopping by and reading. Greatly appreciated!
Great post, Donna. As we ease into this retirement thing (I’m still working but I work from home doing transcription and crafting) and my hubby is retired but it was a kind of forced retirement since he was injured at work) it is helpful to read these ideas. I wish we had been a bit more mindful of the money issue when we were younger and this year will be a good test of what we can expect. Thanks for sharing the insights and hello to Easin’ Along.
Hi, Janet,
Thanks for stopping by. Donna’s words are certainly helpful in creating a mindset about retirement that is both helpful and healthy. Don’t fret over the money issue, that will work itself out…just keep smilin’.
Hi, Janet – Thank you so much for stopping by. I too have the nagging pressure of ‘how much money will I actually need?’ and ‘what if….?’. The good news, in my experience so far, is that I spend FAR LESS money in retirement than when I worked….and my daily yoga pants never need dry-cleaning! 🙂 See you again soon!
Hi Donna! What a great post. I’m not retired yet myself, (sort of more semi-retired) so I haven’t experienced retirement guilt…but in so many ways I think guilt is guilt so it applies to us all. I believe our culture is very focused on keeping us “productive” in our lives and many of us have a challenging time not staying that way 24/7. Retirement just ramps that up, right? But I love your suggestions, both the yoga ones and the others offered. My favorite is the gratitude reminder. Doesn’t that always cure so much that troubles us? ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy,
After I retired in 2015, I sat and stared at the walls for the first three weeks. Finally, I realized that there was more to retirement than doing nothing, and went to work on Easin’ Along. Now, with the activities related to our blog as well as our church, our family, and our friends, we are busier than we ever were while working, but we’re having fun. Guilt is not a factor.
Hoping you have a speedy recovery! Live following your travels. I retired to Florida two years ago. I still don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to have a set schedule or regular commitments. I like not being busy. But I feel like I am missing something.
Hi, Phyllis,
Retirement can be an adjustment for busy people. I never thought of myself as a “busybody” but recently, I found myself asking “when did I ever have time to work?”
Hi, Kathy – I can never fully explain to you how much I enjoy reading your comments. You have an incredible way of hitting the nail on the head — and your warmth and positivity always shine through. I agree that gratitude is an amazing gift. I look forward to reconnecting online and IRL very soon!
Hi Donna – Great to see you here. I haven’t felt any guilt. I think it’s partly because I made early retirement one of my goals and made sacrifices to earn it. I also practice yoga and try to be mindful of the present. Hope you’re enjoying your break. Building sand castles is a lot of fun. Thanks, ‘Easing Along’, for featuring Donna.
Hi, Natalie,
We are honored that Donna would offer us one of her thoughtful and well-reasoned posts. In addition to Donna’s thoughts on retirement, we have had the pleasure of reading some very insightful comments from her readers.
I should take up yoga. Maybe I’ll check it out when this hip heals.
Hi, Natalie – Thank you so much for stopping by. I greatly admire your attitude of setting a goal, working hard for it, and allowing yourself to enjoy the rewards guilt-free! Richard and I have definitely over-booked this summer – but we are having a blast anyway. Looking forward to catching up soon!
Although I’m not retired, I can relate to the feeling of guilt, Donna. I often feel guilty when I take a vacation day. The guilt drives me to check and respond to work emails. It’s a tough one to shake that’s for sure.
Hi, Jill,
I am confident that once you reach retirement, the urge to check emails will vanish quickly.
Hi, Jill – It’s lovely to hear from you. I vividly remember responding to work emails during vacation (with my family grinding their teeth in the background)!
I just received my copy of ‘Second Chance Romance’ and look forward to reading it this week!
Hi Donna! Great to see your smiling face. I think a certain amount of guilt is ok… and a good motivator like you said. I’m not sure I’ve felt retirement guilt but I may have felt a bit of glee… sort of like a six-year-old getting away with something. Take a mid-week trip while others have to work? Heck, yes!
Hi, Janis,
You have a wonderful attitude and feeling glee over guilt will ensure that joy fills your retirement years. Thanks for visiting Easin’ Along.
Hi, Janis – Your comments always make me smile….and are very inspirational! Talk about a six-year-old getting away with something — when I promised Joe that I would (try) to respond to comments, I gave myself a sneaky little break from my technology break! It is wonderful to reconnect with you and others. I look forward to deepening that connection soon!
Ah yes, the exquisite torture of the ‘should’. Torture because it stirs up guilt, but exquisite because we eventually, finally realize that the guilt is unnecessary and that we have the freedom – finally! – to make decisions independent of a life full of shoulds.
Like – I should post every week without fail. And you’ve made the decision to ignore that ‘should’ Donna and are having fun building sandcastles. That’s just as it SHOULD be in retirement.
Joe and Helen, from what I’ve read of your blog so far, you two are also models of getting rid of the shoulds at this wonderful stage of life.
Thanks for the post, Donna. And thanks for posting it, Joe and Helen.
Hi, Karen,
Those are some great thoughts on the shoulds. Helen and I get a case of them every so often but we also realize that we’re not going to be blessed with the vigor and energy we have now, so once the shoulds are taken care of it’s time to hit the road and see a little more of this beautiful country. Thanks for coming over to visit.
Hi, Karen – Thank you for sharing this very thoughtful comment. It is an incredible feeling when we finally get a hold of our ‘shoulds’…and when ‘all or nothing’ thinkers like me realize that we have the power to bend or change self-imposed rules. I’m looking forward to connecting again soon!
Wise words from Donna as ever! I’m normally quite good at guilt and anxiety but, surprisingly, not about being retired. Maybe i’ve just grown up 😉
Hi, Anabel,
I have never thought of “retirement” and “guilt” as a matched pair. I’ve often said that retirement is the best gig going.
Hi, Anabel – Thank you so much for stopping by. The same has happened for me. Got guilt? Yes! Got guilt about retirement? Heck no! I like your thought that we have just grown up — or we have simply quit worrying about it. See you again soon!
Great post Donna – I suffer from spender’s guilt. We have always lived very frugally and often with uncertain income streams (my husband tends to chop and change jobs) and I’ve been very strict with my spending. We’ve now reached a stage in life where we are debt free and have plenty of pin money – but each time I spend money on something “frivilous” I get a case of the guilts. Now I’m going to change my perspective and think of it a a case of the gratitudes – and be grateful that I can now buy myself the occasional treat – and then just enjoy it.
Hi, Leanne,
Thanks for checking in. You have worked hard to be able to retire comfortably, and I certainly wouldn’t consider an occasional treat frivolous. How does the old saying go…”You can’t take it with you!”
I have been a fan of Donna’s Blog for a while and always love her perspective on retirement. It is a special bonus when a guest post leads to another fantastic blog. I just read your post from March about Jekyll Island, GA, which is one of my favorite places to visit and take photographs. I am looking forward to reading more of your adventures.
Hi, Suzanne,
We had a fantastic time at Jekyll Island and plan to return soon. With Helen’s knees and my hip being obstinate we did not have the opportunity to ride bikes. I plan on changing that on the next trip. Thanks for the kind words about Easin” Along. I hope you’ll come back.
Hi, Leanne – It is so nice to see you here. You have worked hard and saved hard for a very long time. With that pattern, you are not likely to start spending frivolously. When you decide to buy yourself something big or small – I say you deserve it guilt-free! Looking forward to catching up soon.
Hi, Joe and Helen – Thank you for inviting me to Guest Post on your site. It was great for me to bend my own rules slightly — ignore the guilt — and take a break from my technology break. Because my husband and I have significantly overbooked our summer, I am now shutting my computer lid and am returning to the rest of my technology break. It was wonderful sneaking in a catch up with you and so many other wonderful bloggers whom I adore. See you all again in August. Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Great wisdom here Donna! Retirement is most certainly a privilege. Historically, I have had a HUGE tendency toward guilty (World Hunger, my fault). On the positive side, it was a great motivator but on the negative side, it imprisoned me, Honing in on what I really wanted to do and just d doing it has ‘right-sized’ so many things for me including guilt. Enjoy the rest of your break.
Hi, Lisa,
Whew! All along I thought World Hunger was my fault. Now that we have that cleared up, I want to congratulate you for dealing with the issue head-on. Retirement can cause us to become conflicted at times, and some never let go of the guilt. I am no longer one of those and, it sounds like you are well on your way to being one as well. Thanks for visiting Easin’ Along.
I need a yoga class, STAT! I should on myself now, Donna, so I can’t imagine what I’ll do when I retire. And I’m having a hard time to make the decision to retire due to many of the ‘shoulds’ I’ve lived by for so many years. You give me hope, however, that I can break the cycle. Awareness is the first step. Nice to see you doing a guest for these nice folks, who have been living the dream of the golden years! -Molly
Hi, Molly,
Helen and I tell everyone that retirement is the best gig ever and you can do it too. Retirement doesn’t have to mean stopping, it’s just taking a slightly different path. Thanks for visiting Easin’ Along.
Oh Donna this all rings so true. I too suffer the guilt trips, every time I sit & relax in the middle of the day, or just get up & go for a walk just because I can. Isn’t it silly? I do Yoga & love it, id like to get into meditation though. Enjoy your holiday Donna & thanks for the into to this great blog 😀
Hi, Samantha,
Donna certainly provided us with plenty of food for thought. For those of us who have spent a lifetime working toward this time in our lives, it’s hard to believe that guilt would be a factor to consider when the “Golden Years” finally arrived. I think that I have worked through it fairly well, and I bet you will too. Thanks for stopping by Easin’ Along and I hope you will come back.
So enjoyed this and the comments too thank you Jo for Donna’s post and I hope the hip recovery is going well. I’m wondering if I need one (should have one) and I’m thinking of it as a hip hop op. And if I have it, no doubt I will feel ‘guilty’ about resting up & reading post op. Maybe I will have earned my guilt.
Should is one of those words that should be eliminated from the dictionary. Hard to escape it I know. I like that guilt gratitude and glee are alongside each other. My husband is due to retire soon and we plan to relocate. I’ve said to him I married him for better or worse but not for lunch. I have no idea how this is all going to turn out, up, down or sideways. But I do believe that it is an important phase of one’s life and an opportunity to move into more of who we are.
Hi, Susan,
Thanks for the kind words and for visiting Easin’ Along. My advice, for what it’s worth, is that if you need a new hip, get it done. I feel better already and eager to be healed completely. Good luck with the next phase in your life. Retirement is the best gig going and the freedom to explore all of the interests and passions that we have stored away during a lifetime of hard work is a wonderful gift we give to ourselves. Enjoy!
Nice post, Donna. Indeed, guilt to a small extent can propel us to creative and constructive tasks. But in an overdose it can have negative effects.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Guilt in small doses can be a great motivator but overcoming guilt and pausing to enjoy the moment occasionally is a wonderful reward for many years of hard work. Thanks for visiting Easin’ Along!
Two of Donna’s points really resonated with me. First was the remark about how the practice of yoga counteracts the urge for self-blame and guilt. I believe that I have become a much more mellow person since beginning a regular yoga practice two years ago. Second was the idea of turning guilt into gratitude. Yes, it can be difficult to accept something nice for oneself. Love this idea!
Jude
Hello, Jude, and welcome to Easin’ Along! I haven’t given yoga a try as of yet, but I have always been curious about it. A beginner class may find its way into my New Year’s Resolutions. Glad it works for you!
Correction to contact info